Perspectives
Listening is More Than Meets the Ear:
Connecting with Others in an EI Kind of Way©
Part
4 of 5
by George M. Hendley
|
"There
was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it
involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time."
Rebecca West
|
The mom is talking to her teenage son about his special love interest in high school. She asks him, “son, what is it about Jeanne that makes her so interesting and special to you?”
| "Listening, not imitation, may be the
sincerest form of flattery."
Dr. Joyce |
The Magnetic Force of Listening
Have you ever really considered what attributes you admire most in your
friends? What are those special traits in the people you love to hang out with
and have a special bond with? If you are like most people (that includes me)
you have a high level of appreciation and enjoyment for those who appreciate
you. How about that!
When someone really shows that they care about you, appreciates what you think, and can even show sincere empathy with you when you have difficulties and trying times, those people are like candles in a pitch black room. We are drawn to them. They radiate a magnetic power that attracts us to them in a powerful, yet subtle way. You know who I’m talking about. Perhaps you’re one of those people. What is that wonderfully simple force that has such drawing power? Listening with emotion and feeling!
The Right Approach is Everything
In this article and the next, we’ll review some reliable research done on listening (*see note at the close of the article regarding the source of the research). What the research shows is that there are two general groups or categories of and five specific approaches to listening. The two categories are Feeling and Factual. In the Feeling category there are two specific listening approaches which are: Empathic and Appreciating. In the Factual category there are three specific listening approaches which are: Comprehending, Discerning and Evaluating. Our focus in the remainder of this article will be on the Feeling approaches.
I Hear Your Pain- Oh Really?
You’re at the doctor’s office and you feel terrible. You have issues you feel are unique and need special attention and a caring diagnosis. Your doctor seems rushed (as they always do) and you feel like the next number on the pull down tab at the grocer's butcher line. No empathy, just a little head nodding, a "you’ll be fine once you start this prescription" and you’re done. You’re out the door and on your way after paying the bill. Wow! That was just what you wanted. NOT!
So, did you feel like you were listened to? Did you feel any empathy or true connection? Probably not, but most doctors (with the exception of a good psychiatrist) don’t rate high in their empathic listening approach. They are usually very good with discerning and evaluating which is a high need in their business, but not empathy. That’s not taught or graded in medical school.
Empathic
listening, like all of the five listening approaches, is natural and easy to
certain people. They seem to instantly attune to your feelings, your personal
problems, and your emotional pain. They do ‘hear
your pain’ and know how to relate to you in that moment. They want to
connect with you on an emotional level and they show that they care. They are
real and you know it.
I Can Appreciate That
The Appreciating listening approach
deals with your own personal enjoyment and comfort when you listen to a
message. These listeners approach the listening task from a relaxed and
non-business mentality. If the sound, be it a voice or music, is too loud or
too soft, too squeaky or too raspy, too fast or too slow, too monotone or
vibrato they will quickly turn it off or tune it out. They want a message that
is enjoyable (don’t we all) and not sad, distressing or full of dull, boring
factual information. This approach of listening does well in fun, social or
entertaining environments where there is no real need to empathize, discern,
evaluate or comprehend. I call this ‘weekend listening’ with a low
engagement point of view.
Each of us can and does approach
listening in a variety of ways. Typically, we might move from evaluating to
comprehending to appreciating in just a few moments of time depending on the
speaker and the intent or purpose of their message. We often do this without
thinking. But we also have a more comfortable listening approach that we might
rely on too much and not shift to the more appropriate approach for the
moment. That’s when we find ourselves missing the message or totally lost
with no connection to the speaker. Emotionally there is a void. It’s like a
dropped cellular call. What happened?
Next month we’ll continue
uncovering more research and understanding of the three different Factual
listening approaches. And we’ll see simple, proven ways of making a stronger
emotional connection. In the mean time, have fun listening!
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