Perspectives
Listening is More Than Meets the Ear:
Connecting with Others in an EI Kind of Way©
Part
5 of 5
by George M. Hendley
|
“I
remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything.
So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
Larry King
|
What is the function of listening? Simply, to understand what the other person is saying, not necessarily to agree with it. That is both simple, yet profoundly difficult. Why? Because we have so many of our own ideas and thoughts, so many of our own doubts and fears, so many of our own needs and wants that we have a constant clamor in our minds that is a distracting, deafening din. Having the discipline and profitable habit of good listening, we will make our connection with others in a deep, emotionally sound and uniquely powerful way we cannot even imagine.
| "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Stephen R. Covey |
In the previous four
articles we have reviewed and examined many of the marvelous benefits and
specific advantages of becoming a good listener. We’ve also realized that
listening is much more than just hearing the sounds that randomly make their
way into our ears, eyes and minds. Listening is like any other communication
skill. It is both an art and a science that requires proper instruction,
faithful practice, persistent patience and enough time to develop it into a
strong and useful habit.
Just
the Facts Ma’am
The focus of our last
article was on the two ‘feeling’ listening approaches: Empathic and
Appreciating. The focus of this final article will be on the three
‘factual’ approaches: Comprehending, Discerning and Evaluating. This
research brings clarity and direction to the recognition of which approach is
most relevant and appropriate (*see
note at the close of the article regarding the source of the research).
Using the wrong listening approach is akin to speaking German or French in an
English conversation. Understanding will be limited if not impossible and it
will be difficult to build any depth of comprehension or trust whatsoever.
Can’t
You Just Hear the Big Picture?
Comprehending listeners have
the desire to organize information and understand the meaning of the message.
Those using the Comprehending approach want to be sure that they understand
the message completely and what to do with it as they are hearing it. If they
don’t ‘hear the big picture’, they want to stay with that piece of the
message until they do. If they can’t, they will easily become frustrated.
That’s why it’s good to give a broad overview of the message for a
Comprehending listener. Then go back and deal with the details in an organized
manner, as the details relate to each piece of the broad overview. Working in
an outline format is a good way of thinking about how to make it work for the
Comprehending approach.
Swallow
Quickly, Digest Later
Discerning listeners
want to gather complete and accurate information. The Discerning approach
tends to prefer to drink from the fire hose, ‘take it all in’ and then go
back and sort it out later to get the complete meaning. This is the person who
takes notes during a lecture or seminar but must go back and rework or rewrite
their notes if they are to have any long-term meaning from them. This is also
the person who will take in as much of the detail as possible because they
aren’t sure at the time what will ultimately be important. To the Discerning
listener details coupled with the completeness of the message is the all
important outcome.
Judge
Judy: ‘What Makes You So Sure About
that?’
The Evaluating
listener is very adept at critiquing information and making a decision from
what they have heard. An Evaluating listener’s approach seems to be one of
compare and contrast and accept or reject. This listener is comparing what you
are saying to what his/her own base of information is and then deciding
whether to accept or reject your message.
If there is
dissonance (what you are saying doesn’t ‘fit’ with what I know to be
true) and the topic is important to them, they are willing to debate and
disagree with you. If the topic isn’t important to them, you may be quickly
dismissed. Evaluating listeners
have a very well-tuned “bunk meter.” They are quick to determine when
something doesn’t fit for them and their “bunk meter” goes into the red
zone. You’ve heard of Evaluating listening in the extreme; “Don’t
bother me with the facts, my mind is already made up…”
A
Pinch of this and a Dash of that
Most of our daily
conversations of even a few minutes in length require the use of two or more
of the five listening approaches if we are to grasp the meaning of the
messages that come our way. As an example, we would probably want to combine
Discerning, Comprehending and Evaluating approaches to bring clarity and
simplicity (if that is possible) to the messages being sent by the politicians
who are currently bending our ear.
But if we were having
a typical conversation with a friend our combined approach might well be a
mixture of Empathic, Discerning and Comprehending. The first thing to
recognize with both is the purpose of the message. Knowing the purpose we can
more easily determine our best listening approach(es).
| “Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don’t believe is right.” Jane Goodall |
(*The research referenced in this article comes from the Research Report on the Personal Listening Profile by Inscape Publishing. For more information about this research or profile contact the author, George Hendley.)
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